Wednesday, December 30, 2009


all in all... a sucky year.

right girls?!

i'm blaming it on the fact that it's an odd number. i don't like things that come in odd numbers... [unless it's a 3, or the volume on my radio.] i tried to take an inventory of the good things that came out of this year and all i really got was:
- an apartment full of amazing forever-friends,
- an official graduation "plan" that's looking like it will stick, and
- the new record length of time i've gone without hurting myself.

so, while those are pretty great things, i just don't feel as though 2009 did everything it could for me. i had to learn way too many life lessons the hard way. it's a good thing there's only a couple days left, or i don't know what i would have done...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


think about these quotes for a minute.
they kind of inspire me.

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants." [Stephen King]

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out." [Stephen King]

"The place where you made your stand never mattered. Only that you were there... and still on your feet." [Stephen King]

"Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid." [Fyodor Dostoevsky]

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them." [Albert Einstein]

Monday, December 7, 2009

i only kind of believe you.

i had a dream last night -
we drove out to see las vegas.
we lost ourselves in the bright lights.
i wish you could have seen us -
begging for change to get home.
or at least [san diego.]


please don't tell me that i'm dreaming -
when all i ever wanted was to dream another sunset with you.
if i roll over when it's over -
i'll take this [rexburg] sunrise with me.
and wake up with the fondest memories.


sunsets never were so bright -
and the skies never so blue.
you opened up into my arms -
and we laughed as I held you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


...takes the scenic route from the sky to the ground. it just sorta floats around, taking everything in before it decides to land.

i think snowflakes were made to stay in the air, not to pile up all over streets and sidewalks, rooftops and trampolines. but gravity just doesn't think anything should be allowed to be that free.

stupid gravity.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


is really nice on a hot summer's day.

makes long grass move in graceful waves.

can sometimes make my hair look really cool, if it's blowing the right way.


right now, the wind is freaking me out. i can hear it whooshing past my window and doing weird things to the front door. hopefully it will blow that snow-storm right past Rexburg and straight to the mountains where it belongs! but knowing Idaho, and knowing my luck with the weather, it's going to dump everything it's got right here. and it's probably going to wreak havoc on the road to Utah. UGH! why didn't anyone ever write a song to make the wind go away??

Monday, November 16, 2009

umm... i made a new website.
because i feel as though it is my responsibility to document the awkwardness that we experience on a day-to-day basis.
check it out.
would you like to be a part of it?!

Monday, November 9, 2009


somewhere over the rainbow is toxic waste and landfills.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


i like them.

i wish that there were more of them in my life.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

i don't normally do this.

last week Zan was looking for some boots to wear in the rodeo. [yeah, born and raised in idaho and doesn't even own a pair of cowboy boots. i was shocked.]
so we went to the DI in idaho falls.
now, i don't do second-hand stores. or thrift shops. i don't even really like tj max or ross, to be completely honest. but he really wanted some boots so i plucked up the courage to go inside.

and it's a good thing i did!! because if i hadn't gone we never would have stumbled upon the newest addition to my collection of stuff!!

check this baby out!!

isn't he cute?? oh man. i just love it. beth's not a huge fan, especially when i scootch him into her doorway and barracade her in her room, but i think over time little Desky's gonna grow on her :-)

Monday, October 5, 2009

a picture's worth a thousand words.

this is true. and convenient. because i'm too lazy to write out everything i've been doing. so here are some pictures and short commentaries instead :)

i finally figured out what i wanted to do with all my paintings and canvases. i made a collage! pretty, huh?

this is Juliette... my friend Turner brought her over to visit me :)

haha... Beth and I are going to start handing little slips of paper with this on them. pretty self-explanatory.

this weekend we went to Preston and had dinner at the Deer Cliff Inn... they got me!!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

life's a little bit better...

with a boyfriend.

yup. i said it.
he took the plunge.

now let's just hope it sticks...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

watching people move in is HILARIOUS.

i am SOOO happy to be back in good ol' Rexy... i missed this town dearly. but i have been so effing busy this past week, it's crazy! i feel like everything happened all in one day. but it didn't. i've been here since wednesday night... so it's been like six days. here's what i've been up to:

MONDAY, August 31, 2009
i finished all my packing and did everything i needed to do before Zan came in to town. he got to vegas around 9pm, so i had a LOT of time to get excited. which i was. very excited. monday night we didn't do much because it was so late. we got slurpees with my friend Steph and watched x-men 2. not gonna lie, i fell asleep.

TUESDAY, September 1, 2009
Zan and i went shopping all morning on tuesday. then we had lunch with my momma. then he wanted to play the slots so we went down to the strip. he won $4.50, but being the sin-supporting person that i am, i convinced him to keep playing and he lost that along with about seventeen more dollars. hahaha. it's ok though, because i ended up losing about ten bucks too. for dinner Zan really really wanted to have all-you-can-eat sushi, and Steph and her lover boy wanted to come too. but she didn't get off work until about 10, so we had a SUPER late dinner of deliciousness. it really was so good, but i could hardly eat anything it was so late!!

WEDNESDAY, September 2, 2009
you guys would not believe how early i was waking up these days... 8 am!! it was crazy. my mom wanted us to be on the road by 9, which i though was ridiculous. but we did it! i think we were finally on the freeway at about 9:30. we stopped in St. George to pick up some speakers for Zan's apartment. then right before we got to Beaver there was a huge traffic jam. once we got going and saw what it was we were freaking shocked!! a semi had rear-ended another semi and seriously sandwiched the cab into all the boxes and stuff of the trailer. it was ridiculous. luckily, when Zan looked it up at home later it was only the passenger side of the cab that was smaskeh and the driver got out without a scratch. but i was seriously disturbed for the entire day becasue of that. anyway, then we stopped in Nephi for gas. and then we stopped in Salt Lake for food. and then i dropped him off in Rigby and then i was HOME!!! it was so great to be back with Beth and Mikey!

THURSDAY, September 3, 2009
umm... this was kind of a boring day, i think. i don't really remember that much of it. i moved all my stuff into room 6 and then set everything up. and i did it in record time too!! well, i guess my record wasn't that hard to beat, since the last time i set things up by myself it took me about a month. lol. BUT i did purchase a 7'6'' cozy sac for the living room!! that was an adventure in itself because the color was wrong and the shipping address was to my house in vegas... but don't worry, it's all fixed! nap times will never be the same again!

FRIDAY, September 4, 2009
i finished getting thing set up in my room, sort of. i still have some pictures to put up. i went to rigby and idaho falls with Zan who needed to buy some new pants and shoes for his family pictures. then i went with him up to Island Park for the weekend. i was really nervous about it, because i've really only ever talked to his mom once or twice and his sister-in-law a couple times. but it turned out to be really fun weekend. we got there kind of late so we just hung out at their cabin friday night.

SATURDAY, September 5, 2009
Zan and his dad, brother, and brother-in-law went golfing at like 8:30 in the morning. so yes, i was awake at 8. again. i just hung out with his mom, sister, and sister-in-law all morning. oh, and his nephew Conner. who is three and so freaking adorable.then when the boys got back from golfing we went for a drive. we were trying to find some spot that his mom wanted to take pictures at. but we got lost and ended up driving around for like 2 hours in the middle of nowhere. then we went out to the lake there because some of their friends were taking their boat out and Zan NEEDED to go wakeboarding. he'd been having withdrawals. then we went back to the cabin and ate a really quick dinner and headed to Montana to go to the Playmill theatre and see the Secret Garden. it was really good. the room was so hot and the acoustics weren't that great [i don't think you should need mics in a theatre that only seats 250 people.] but it was really good. i had fun. it was really late by the time we got back and we basically all just crashed right away. but they did say we could ditch church and sleep in, so i was happy.

SUNDAY, September 6, 2009
until they made me get up at 9. if you ask me, that's not sleeping in. granted i had been awake since 8:30 when Zan told Conner to go knock on my door, but still. we had a really slow morning, but we didn't have all that much of a schedule so it was ok. once everyone was ready we drove out to an old town called Nevada City :-) in Montana where they wanted to do their family pictures. there's this really cool old train car there that was so incredibly awesome. i loved it. and i got to be the photographer, so it was really fun. i'm really excited about doing that as a cluster now! after i used up all the camera's memory we decided to go eat and then head back to the cabin. once we got to the cabin i was so tired it was ridiculous, so Zan and i took a nap. it was only about an hour and a half long, but it felt GOOD! then we ate dinner, his sister and brother-in-law made some deeeeelicious chicken. and then we drove home. it was really late and dark and we hadn't meant to stay all day but we got down the hill without running into any stray moosen so it was ok in the end. but THEN, when i texted Beth that i was coming home she told me that she'd been locked out since 5:30. it was like 9 by now. i felt so bad. so we hung out downstairs at Brittney's new apartment until our new door-locking-roommate got home. around 11pm. Beth had been locked out for almost six hours!! but now we have a spare key, so it shouldn't be a problem anymore. fingers crossed.

MONDAY, September 7, 2009
i feel as though i should remember best what hapened yesterday, but i don't. i checked in. i got dressed. i ate lunch. i went to Rigby with Zan to help him pack more stuff. i paid for school and housing. when Beth got off work we went down to IF with Brittney and went to Target to get a doormat. we looked for bathroom rugs too but they didn't have any cute ones. then Brittney left to go back to Logan and Beth and i did some quick grocery shopping. that's pretty much all i can remember.

TUESDAY, September 8, 2009
ummm... yeah. i don't really remember what i did today. i bought books and ended up having to pay a lot more than i thought i'd have to. the prices were wrong online. that was a bummer. but i got to see Kayla!! we had lunch at Bajio before she went to work. and i said goodbye to Mikey. which made me sad. and Beth left me for Fun, which also made me sad. so i think i'll go eat worms.

Friday, September 4, 2009


i'm back!!

that's all.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

ben is home.

here's a comparison for you:

i haven't seen ben for over 2 years.
when i saw him walking up my driveway i had to remind myself to be excited.

i haven't seen zan for six measely weeks.
when he told me he bought his ticket to vegas i had a spaz attack from trying to hold myself together.

after two years, i can't think of anything to say to ben.
no stories, no news, no nothing.

every day i talk to zan about anything we can think of.
morning time, lunchtime, after-lunchtime, break time, evening time, dinner time, night time, bed time.

ben's been my best friend since we were 10.

i'll have been friends with zan for one year this october.

i love ben.
well, in one of those best-friends-forever kind of ways.

i really like zan.
there's not any kind of definition to our relationship, but i like him.

that's all i've got so far. i don't even really know how i feel about this. all of it. any of it. but school's starting soon! i'll be in rexburg on wednesday! i get to be with my beth and my brittney! and my kayla, too! i'm ready for this.

i think.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

don't these people know...

that i can only handle ONE big important life changing event at a time?!!!!

today, i saw my old best-friend's little sisters, who are in high school. and one is old enough to be talking about colleges. they are supposed to still be 10.
later, i got a text message from Ben. remember him? the love of my life, who brings out the best AND worst in me. at the same time. he'll be home in a week. i'm not as excited as i should be to see my oldest-best-friend-forever.
shortly after, i noticed via facebook that my ex-boyfriend's wife went into labor. this is the man that i've spent seven years trying pry out of my heart. [however, their baby is the absolute cutest thing i have ever seen in my life.]
finally, i was informed of something that, frankly, i could have lived a full/happy/complete life without knowing.

did i mention that i don't like change? or growing up? or dealing with reality?

oh, and yesterday i found out that i was an accident.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i went shopping today!

lol. it had been a while since i spent any money.
almost a whole week!

but anyway, this week is employee appreciation at urban so we get a special discount on sale items. i got a pullover sweater with pretty flowers on it for SIX DOLLARS! and i got a cool navy and white striped long button-up cardigan for SIX DOLLARS!! and i got pink, white, and black
t-shirts for TWELVE DOLLARS EACH!! so basically it was a good day. i love shopping.

fun fact for the day:
Zan's sister-in-law has been telling him repeatedly that he needs to get his head out of his butt and figure himself out already because she likes me and she's on my side.
i don't really understand it, but i think it's funny. because Zan knows it's true, and he tells me that i'm awesome for not thinking he's a jerk. which, i am awesome and i don't think he's a jerk. i really like him...

that's all, goodnight.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

things to do in Vegas...

here are some things that we can do in Vegas, baby...

- hang out by my pool and soak up the sun!
- go shopping [my all-time favorite thing to do!!]
- cruise the Strip!
- take pictures at the "Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas" sign [which i've never ever done before.]
- get tickets to a show... they're half-price the day of, but it's slim pickin's!
- party like it's 1999.
- have a hot dog eating contest.
- get tattoos and deep-fried twinkies down on Freemont Street.
- whatever your heart desires!

NOW, i need your input. tell me what sounds fun, what sounds lame, and what i forgot to list.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

i think i have this.

calcification /cal·ci·fi·ca·tion / (kal″sĭ-fĭ-ka´shun) the deposit of calcium salts in a tissue.
dystrophic calcification the deposition of calcium in abnormal tissue, such as scar tissue or atherosclerotic plaques, without abnormalities of blood calcium.
eggshell calcification deposition of a thin layer of calcium around a thoracic lymph node, often seen in silicosis.
Mönckeberg's calcification see under arteriosclerosis.
[Dorland's Medical Dictionary for Health Consumers. © 2007 by Saunders, an imprint of Elsevier, Inc. All rights reserved.]

cal·ci·fi·ca·tion n.
1. Impregnation with calcium or calcium salts. Also called calcareous infiltration.
2. Hardening, as of tissue, by such impregnation.
3. A calcified substance or part.
[The American Heritage® Medical Dictionary Copyright © 2007, 2004 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.]

calcification Etymology: L, calx + facere, to make
the accumulation of calcium salts in tissues. Normally, about 99% of all the calcium entering the human body is deposited in the bones and teeth; the remaining 1% is dissolved in body fluids such as blood. Disorders affecting the delicate balance between calcium and other minerals, parathyroid hormone, and vitamin D can result in calcium deposits in arteries, kidneys, lung alveoli, and other tissues, interfering with normal organ function. See also calcitonin, calcium, calculus. calcific, adj.
[Mosby's Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier.]

the deposit of calcium salts in a tissue. The normal absorption of calcium is facilitated by parathyroid hormone and by vitamin D. In poisoning with calcinogenic glycosides and when there are increased amounts of parathyroid hormone in the blood (as in hyperparathyroidism), there is deposition of calcium in the soft tissue. (In hyperparathyroidism secondary to renal disease there is deposition in the alveoli of the lungs, the renal tubules, beneath the parietal pleura, the gastric mucosa, and the arterial walls.) Normally calcium is deposited in the bone matrix to insure stability and strength of the bone. In osteomalacia osteomalacia there is an excess of unmineralized osteoid because the aged well-mineralized bone is replaced by a matrix that is inadequately mineralized.
dystrophic calcification the deposition of calcium in abnormal tissue without abnormalities of blood calcium.
metastatic calcification deposition of calcium in tissues as a result of abnormalities of calcium and phosphorus levels in the blood and tissue fluids.
nutritional calcification calcification in soft tissues as a result of an increased intake of calcium.
soft tissue calcification see metastatic calcification (above), dystrophic calcification (above).
[Saunders Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary, 3 ed. © 2007 Elsevier, Inc. All rights reserved.]

Sunday, August 9, 2009

a picture for beth.

this is a flower... obvi.

it's from argentina.
kinda crazy, right?
my friend took this pic on his mission.
and i thought you all might like to see it.

Friday, August 7, 2009

do you know why i'm awake?

because i haven't gone to sleep yet.

it's 5:28 am.

this is what the sky looked like when i pulled in to my driveway nine minutes ago.

[i might have a crush on my manager...]

Thursday, August 6, 2009

today i did several things.

10:00 am - i woke up.
10:45 am - i took a shower.
11:25 am - i did some laundry.
11:30 am - i curled my hair all pretty!
12:15 pm - i got a phone call from my long lost friend in the navy.
2:00 pm - i left my house and called zan.
2:20 om - i went to lunch with kiff.
3:30 - i went to target and bought:
a - some scrapbooking stuff,
b - a new toothbrush,
c - razors, and
d - something else that i can't quite remember.
4:15 pm - i watched tv for an hour.
5:30 pm - i went to work.
12:35 am - i drove by mcdonalds to get some dinner, but it was closed.
12:40 am - so, i went to jack in the box instead.
12:45 am - i went home and ate my dinner.
1:30 am - i was texting my manager, watching spaceballs with tyler, and falling asleep when i realized you guys would probably like to hear from me. however, i couldn't think of anything incredibly exciting to talk to you about. so i decided to give you a play-by-play of my day.
2:05 am - i finished talking all about what i did today and decided i should go to bed...
because tomorrow i'm gonna go play dodgeball at the park. i think.
2:12 am - the end.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Guess what?! I GOT A JOB!! Whoo! lol. Actually, I just got my old job at Urban Outfitters back. And I start on Wednesday. So, to kill time until then I came to Newport Beach with my parents. Pretty exciting stuff happens on trips like this. For example, last night my parents walked down to the pizza place that we've always had on our first night down here, but to their surprise, it's been turned into a bistro. Thus, no artichoke pizza for Sydney. Or like this morning while my mom was out tanning on the beach and me and my dad were being creepy stalkers watching people through binoculars on the balcony, this crazy old man was just standing there down by the water facing the sun with his arms stretched out, like he was recharging his solar panels or something. He looked a lot like one of the speedo-men from my drawing. Mostly because he was in a speedo. Anyway, just because I want you all to be jealous of my vacation this is a picture of the beach from the balcony. Can you spot my momma!?!

Monday, July 27, 2009

tanning and bug catching.

Today my friend Steph and I decided that we need TANS!! I've been white for far too long. I'm ready to look like Pocahontas again. So she came over to my house around noon and we started tanning at 12:30 or 1... I don't remember. After 20 minutes or so we got soooo freaking hot!! I despise Las Vegas heat waves. To cool off we decided to get in the pool... which was cold. [There's just no pleasing us.] Once we were in the water though we were attacked by hornets. I guess they need the water to build their nests, and pools are sparkly so it attracts them. So... to the point of my story... we decided to try and catch them! Which I did very successfully, I might add. Until they called for backup! I swear, it went from two to three to NINE hornets in about an hour. I caught them with the pool-net and just held them under until they stopped moving. Then I trapped them in an old water bottle. I know, I know. I'll probably go to hell for killing harmless creatures, but in my defense, they were trying to eat my face!!! Anyway, after we caught about four hornets, Steph found a weird creature lurking under the Super Soaker that I'd gotten out to protect us from the swarm of hornets. She called it a sun spider, but my brother called it a vinegaroon. After further research, I've come to the conclusion that Steph was right. Vinegaroons are huge and black and I would have screamed and begged my parents to move if I'd have seen one. Just so you can see the difference...
this is a sun spider: [notice how it's small and has tiny little baby pincers.]...and this is a vinegaroon: [notice the gigantic-ness and the large scorpion-like stinger and it's overall aura of death.]
So, score one for Steph!! I'm really glad she was right and not Tyler. Anyway, I ran inside to get a cup so I could catch the sun spider. Steph told me that they act pretty crazy and I really wanted to see it. So this is our crazy sun spider. The video is a little long, but keep watching, this bug is possessed!!
This video is taking a really long time to load... lalalalalalalala lalala la la lalalalalala llama lala lalalalalalalala lala la la lalalalala.
But anyway, after we caught this guy we sorta gave up. I trapped a total of six hornets and the sun spider. So it was a pretty good day! My shoulders are pretty pink, and my face. I guess I'll have to tan again another day.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

and then there was one...

ONE day left of school. ONE day left to pack all my stuff into my tiny little room. ONE question left on my english exam that i just don't feel like answering. ONE oven to clean. ONE bug bite that's driving me crazy. ONE more hour of parenting [thank goodness]. ONE more day of 4th grade english. ONE more crit in rendering. ONE more walk home from campus [for a while, at least]. ONE more day to wish i was in Lake Powell and not Rexburg. ONE more night until i get to see steph. ONE more day to look pretty for people who don't really care. ONE day to figure out what i can leave and what i need to take home. ONE more day until i get to see my mom! ONE day. ONE. ONE reason to stay. ONE person i don't want to leave. ONE chance. ONE loss. ONE semester i'll never forget. ONE apartment that will always be the best. ONE group of roommates i'll love forever. ONE reason to change. ONE person to remember, forever and always. ONE day. ONE message. ONE love.

a LOT happened this se
mester. but only ONE thing changed my life for good. it's hard to say, to think about, to remember. but i'll always have this semester, this apartment, these roommates to share it with. and we all feel it. we all know. we're all in this together [sorry, i had to]. we are ONE.
we live, we love, we laugh.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, and i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.

i heart Mayday Parade.
Tell me once again, that you'll love me to the death. And should I die, you swear that you will come for me. As I fade away, you reach out your hand, and please don't let me go. And I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams. All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes, and every wave drags me to sea. I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?" With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question." Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

Monday, June 1, 2009

I miss...

the beach.
swimming everyday.
watching Gil and Z be silly.
my queen size bed.
cuddling [with a boy].
running through sprinklers.

I miss people. I miss him, especially. I can't wait until everything's back to how it was before... if it ever
can be. I miss the people that came into my life and slowly faded out. It was fantastic to have them, and I'm sad that they're gone now. But the memories will always stay with me. I miss seeing the waves from the balcony in Newport. I want to go back there. Maybe forever. I really wish I hadn't stopped swimming after high school. I feel like I was a much healthier person then. Ok, so my eating habits haven't changed since I was seven... but I exercise a lot less now. Oh, college, how you've ruined me. I LOVE Gil and Z. They are the most awesomely amazing little girls on the planet. They always make me smile and remember what's really important in life. And my bed... I really love it. Sometimes when I'm at home and I'm sleeping in my big, giant, comfy, four-poster I feel lost. It's a big change from the twin sized bed I sleep on at school. I don't miss the cuddling so much anymore. I'm pretty content with the way that part of my life is going. Well, for today at least. Running through sprinklers is by far the best most amazing thing to do in the summer. I plan on spending most of this Friday doing just that for Z's birthday! Teach 'em young! Ok, a little nostalgia here... I absolutely loved playing with Barbies when I was little. Or, you know, a pre-teen. I think my mom finally made me pack them all up when I turned 13. That was a sad day. One day, when I have little girls, you better believe that they will play with Barbies.

lil meg is my fav.

* as a disclaimer, I drafted this post about two months ago. Obviously, the things that I miss have changed. And are changing as I type this, because I'll be in Las Vegas tomorrow night. Which [don't take this personally, Mom] isn't home anymore. Home is where you go when you need someone to brighten your day, to make you feel good about yourself, or just to go when you want the world to stop for a while. And while my house in Las Vegas still does all those things for me, life is different now, and that part of my life doesn't understand this new part. That's why 509 is home for me now. Not the physical 509, that would be silly. My home is right here, at the kitchen table with Mikalyn and Kayla, mindy wrappers all around us, and Meg fast asleep on the couch. Home is in Bethy's special hugs and Brittney's many different voices. Home is dancing around the apartment for no reason in particular and bursting into song at any given moment. Home is the love that's spilling out of these windows, because four walls just can't hold it anymore. And even though we're all going different ways, we're all in the same place. Las Vegas, Rexburg, Upland, Logan, Sandy, Draper, Monteview. It doesn't matter where we go or how far apart we are.
"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." -Maya Angelou

Saturday, April 4, 2009

because nothing in life comes free.

why isn't there a man-store?? where i can just walk in and tell the sales associate what i want and walk out with my dream guy.
i mean, i understand the downsides of human-trafficking. but come on! it would be nice.
i suck at dating.
i suck at being the girl and waiting around for mr. right to sweep me off my feet. i just want someone to be HONEST with me. why is that so hard? why can't a boy [like you] like a girl [like me] and say so?
is it because you don't want it to not work out? news flash, hun, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!! at some point in a relationship someone is going to realize that they're not as into the other person as they were before. and that's totally ok. no harm done. no feelings hurt [hypothetically, at least.]
i want so desperately to believe in love. in your being capable of it. in my being worth the risks.
i've put my heart on the line too many times. i won't do it anymore. i don't want to see it abused like that again. i have faith that there's someone, somewhere who won't tear me apart. i wish it was you, but that's not looking so good. UGH! every time you call...

* you know what's funny about blogging?! i always save drafts of blogs and then forget to finish and post them. so when i see that i have this complainy-swaney blog all about how he won't just say it sitting in my 'edit posts' folder... i laugh. because not only have i since forced him into submission and gotten him to admit to liking me, he's even done it on his own!! big step. you have no idea how freaking excited i was to hear it. unprompted. no begging or pleading or bribing involved. :-)